30 days

At some point on my long journey back to sanity I came to understand that the endless loop of obsessive worry and fear thoughts winding through my brain would never alter the fact that my daughter has a mental illness that I simply cannot control.  As much as I would like to, I can’t “crawl” into her head and make her believe that she is worthy of love and respect, that she doesn’t need a man to make her feel wanted, that her decisions are putting her life at risk, there are better choices, that she doesn’t have to be defined by her bipolar, that with help, time and hard work she will get better. I can’t make her decisions, I can’t live her life and I can’t keep rescuing her.

I came to accept that the challenges we were having with our daughter were simply too big for me to manage; I made the conscious decision to place her safely back in God’s hands.  I have faith that, although I don’t understand or like some of the things that have happened in her life, this is her journey and for every “bad” thing that has taken place, there is a lesson and a reason that we will come to understand.  I also believe that we attract what we think, and so I am choosing to think about my daughter as a beautiful, healthy and productive young woman, not as a victim who is suffering.

One month after her self-destructive and disappointing relapse, miraculously, our daughter is still clean and sober.  In fact, the morning after the setback she joined a women’s (huge step as she is just beginning to understand and appreciate the value of female friendships) 12 step group and is working the program hard.  By the grace of God, she has found another job (she found and lost 2 others while in BC) and is working 4-5 days per week; fingers crossed that this job will last and give her a much needed boost in self-confidence. Working at this job keeps her busy and prevents her from thinking of other, much more creative, albeit destructive ways to earn a living (more on this in another entry).  Her “house mother” is allowing her to stay where she is until they find somewhere safe for our adult child to live; her father is paying half of the usual monthly fee as a goodwill gesture.  My husband and I have stood our ground and have stopped providing her with financial support (another miracle given my history of co-dependence).  Truly, she is miles from where she was just 30 days ago and for that I am grateful.  Will this positive streak last?  History would say that it is highly unlikely; my growing faith in God tells me otherwise.

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About ml0812

Healthcare consultant; passionate about mental health,cancer,advocacy & people who live to make a difference. An American living in Canada.
This entry was posted in addiction, bipolar, Mental health, parenting, pets, recovery, Self Esteem and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to 30 days

  1. The greatest thing my mother ever did for me (besides life, I mean) was to leave me to my own devices. I had become more than she could bear, and her help nearly killed me…which she couldn’t have known. Three months after my mom decided to let me sink or swim, I was clean for the first time in about 17 years. I was 30. I hated her for what felt like her abandonment at the time, of course. Now I know it had to happen-I would never have gotten well any other way. You are doing EVERYTHING right. I just wanted to reassure you, because I am sure it is hard, and you probably have doubts. Good luck, and prayers for your family.

  2. salcock87 says:

    Congratulations on making it 30 days! You deserve it!! And I LOVE the fact you have put everything into yours and Gods hands. That’s really awesome and I know he won’t let you down. Just keep pushing forward and taking each day one step at a time. You Can and will beat this, and your life will just keep getting better and better! Trust me I know (read my blogs) I’ve been battling addiction for years and I finally had my divine moment this year and FINALLY got sober, I attend NA meetings every week and see a counselor and attend groups regularly, it helps me out so much! And I love meeting people I can relate to and that we can share something in common. And As of today my sobriety date is January 6th, 2014!! So I’m 9 Months and 8 Days clean!!! And I couldn’t be more happy with my life. But your story is somewhat like mine that’s why when I read it, it touched me! I’m proud of you for what your doing and keep up the awesomely great work!!!! Remember ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
    -Shawn A-

  3. Mary Ellen Bobby says:

    Looking forward to reading your next post to see if everything is still good with your daughter. I have read your posts and remember going through something similar to this with my sister Betty Ann who was diagnosed bi-polar and passed away when her alcohol dependence was too much for her body to handle and she died at 60 yrs. of age. This clearly does not compare with what you have gone through with your daughter! I could not understand my sister’s mood swings and her telephone calls pleading for help in the middle of the night while I was thousands of miles away from her. I would not be able to sleep and then call her in the morning and she would laugh as she did not remember even calling me. I just didn’t know what to do! She did join AA! She had her husband and young son there to support her but the husband seemed to just enable her and the son was too young to help her. Well I do look back on what happened to her and I’ve let go of the anger I felt as I couldn’t understand and also let go of the guilt I felt when I couldn’t help her….and life goes on! Take care! (I don’t know if you remember me but I met you in Toronto at the legislative “Cancer Care” day. We stayed at the hotel together and really hit it off)

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