I am definitely struggling. I can feel the seductive pull of depression, waiting for me, just around the corner.
It has been almost 2 years, to the day, that I was hospitalized for Major Depression with psychotic episodes. Two years, and nothing has been the same, and yet, many things remain unchanged. I simply cannot speak of my own journey without unwittingly sharing some of my oldest daughter’s.
I still and will always worry about my daughter, SA; she still makes bad choices and gets into troublesome situations. What has changed is how I respond when I become aware of said “bad” decisions. An example; in February, SA bought herself a ticket to see her favorite rap artist at a downtown bar. She was over the moon excited, sure that she was, in fact, going to meet him. Alas, it was not meant to be. After consuming numerous shots (by her own account, it was only 7!) of lord knows what as well as some quantity of coke (as in cocaine), she was not allowed into the bar
By her own admission, she went “buck wild”; they had to phone the police. Not surprisingly, she was arrested and spent the night in jail (only after spitting at one of the officers). Certainly not one of her finest moments. The “call” mercifully went to her father, who had the unenviable task of collecting her.
Instead of feeling and reacting with anger and rage, I simply felt sad and afraid for her. The fear can become unmanageable really fast making it difficult to “challenge” some of the neurotic thoughts that run on a spool in my brain, like a bad movie. Still, I do it, albeit with the help of my husband, therapist and girlfriends, and it helps, a lot.
I now know that I am not responsible for the decisions that she makes and it is not my job to “fix” her problems. What I can do, is offer her love and support. Where appropriate, I can advocate on her behalf and find where and how to access the supports she needs to have a chance at a highly productive adult life, if she so chooses.
There is always hope. After years of, what I can only call suffering, SA has finally been diagnosed with Bipolar II. My hope is with the correct medication and support, she will be able to keep a job and lead a happy life.